haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
