He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
