areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
