i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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