she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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