i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
He better not be in your backpack
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.