We're facebook friends in real life
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
