I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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