i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
