he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Randomize
