i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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