You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
