my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
