when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Randomize
