would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
