fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
