I wish I could teleport
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
