Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize