Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
