If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
