I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Drake has all the answers
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
