you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
