My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
