His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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