I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
