I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
