youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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