Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Randomize
