my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
false alarm, still single
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
