i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Use "feeling words"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision