what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
