that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
