even my farts smell like vagina
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
