I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
