I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
