Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
