Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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