the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
