Define "chronic" masturbator.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Who died my cat blue again?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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