My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I didn't notice because vodka
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
