i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
