my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Every concussion has its silver lining
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!