Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Is Oprah even human
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"