Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
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I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
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Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.