theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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