You can't motorboat a personality
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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