I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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