rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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