I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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