so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Hippo gnu deer
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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