the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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