It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
