I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
