I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
