My sheets look like a crime scene.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
this just has baby written all over it
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Randomize
