There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
It's Friday. Sex?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
