I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
