That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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