Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
