Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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