who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
