I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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