Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
