I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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